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Ask Jules: My friend is mad at me for not liking her tweets - The Washington Post

<i><b>Hi Jules: </b></i><i>I’m a fairly well-known writer in a super niche corner of Twitter, but I’m having a problem with a friend who is completely unconnected to my niche. If one of her tweets comes up in conversation, she expresses great offense to the fact that I see her tweets but don’t engage with them. This happens often — to the point of her posting a whole tweet thread about how “real friends” support each other through likes and a bunch of other things that were clearly about me. But I honestly don’t like 99.9 percent of the things I see on social media.</i>

Jules Terpak writes about navigating life online. Ask her about social media, knowing what to keep offline, being a content creator and more.

<a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdw53LAhKIAlPv_Tgu6ySzAxqn14mYHydNHJR3JVnrMQxogWA/viewform?usp=sf_link">Submit your question here. </a>

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<i>I confronted her, and it resulted in a thousand-word text about her anxiety and how she thought I didn’t like her. Why would I hang out with someone I didn’t like? Why would I assist with the real life problems of someone I didn’t like? Also, she never likes my tweets (nor do I expect her to — my friends aren’t my publicists), so that detail makes this whole thing extra funny.</i>

<i>We currently aren’t speaking, and she also soft blocked me. I just feel so silly that this happened! While we’ll probably never hang out one-on-one again, we’ll very likely see each other in larger group settings. How should I handle this when this inevitable, in-person interaction occurs?</i>

<b>TwitterLikesGate: </b>By saying you’ll probably never hang out one-on-one again, I assume you don’t want to revive your friendship. If that’s the case, when you cross paths, act as if the online relationship between you two doesn’t exist. Another conversation about the debacle would probably just cause a repeat of your text conversation.

Keep it simple: “Hey — I hope you’re doing well. What have you been up to?” Show that there’s still respect on your end, but remain firm in the belief that this bizarre social media situation is not worth the time or energy of either of you.

I’ve been in similar situations after unfollowing those I no longer talk to regularly. People typically see an unfollow as a sign of animosity, but <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/@julesterpak/video/6943782089326185734?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1">I’ve always considered it to be more nuanced</a>. Just as with life offline, it should be normal for people you connect with online to come and go. There’s an assumption that certain online interactions can make for uncomfortable in-person interactions — but that’s only if you <i>act</i> like things are uncomfortable. As long as I’ve maintained a “whatever” attitude, the other person reciprocated the same energy. If you do this and your friend reacts with hostility, wish her the best and be on your merry way. Like you said, this is so silly.

Have a question for Jules? Submit it here.

I could maybe sympathize with her outlook if we were talking about Instagram in 2015, when it was common to like every post shared by your friends because that’s all your feed was. But it’s 2022, and we’re now confronted with an unfathomable amount of content from a wide range of people every day. That extra step of engagement should never be expected of anyone. If you’ve already communicated your stance to her the same way you did in this letter, there’s no more hand-holding to be done. She’s actively choosing to ignore the realities of today’s digital culture, and at this point, only time and willingness can change her outlook.

If you decide you’d actually like to <i>revive</i> your friendship, it’s possible, but would require you to be on the same page. I maintain relationships with some family and friends where we don’t follow each other on social media, but are still comfortable talking about our lives online. If you decide that separating the online and offline aspects of your relationship is best, it may go over better than you expect.

Online social dynamics are tough to navigate, but for what it’s worth, I’m happy to validate that the “my friends are not my publicists” outlook is a great one. Digital culture is increasingly overwhelming, and it’s unreasonable to expect people to engage with everything you post.

Jules Terpak is a video-first content creator who covers tech and digital culture and writes advice columns for The Washington Post.

Jules Terpak

Ask Jules: My friend is mad at me for not liking her tweets

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Advice

The Washington Post's Advice and Relationships section brings you the best advice and etiquette on topics ranging from work to dating to parenting. Other features include Date Lab, etiquette blogs and chats and parenting stories.

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Ask Jules: I can't escape toxic online culture around relationships - The Washington Post

<i><b>Hi Jules: </b></i><i>I recently got married in my early 20s and it feels like social media harps on marriages that are full of nothing but love and perfection. I’ll see content and comments that define one relationship quirk or argument as something to “wake up and breakup” about. How do you deal with the toxic online culture surrounding relationships?</i>

<b>B: </b>I deal with the toxic online culture surrounding relationships by rejecting it. Valuing a stranger’s approach to something so subjective and personal is bound to do you more harm than good. On Instagram and Twitter, I don’t follow any accounts focused on relationships. On TikTok, I’m not opposed to watching videos from couples I find entertaining, but I quickly scroll past videos of people sharing their opinions about relationship dynamics so the algorithm understands I’m not interested. On YouTube, I don’t click on videos about the topic so that more aren’t pushed to me in the future.

Truth is, relationships are one of the most curated things on social media. There have been countless couples who created entire accounts dedicated to the “greatness” of their relationship, gained hundreds of thousands of followers, and then “abruptly” split up. Viewers are still somehow shocked to realize they’d been witnessing a very skewed representation.

People tend not to share the negative parts of their relationship with others — and rightfully so. Romantic or not, relationships are some of the most intimate parts of our lives, and a holistic view of them is not something <i>anyone</i> owes strangers on the internet. As a viewer, it’s important that you keep this in mind if you ever start to compare your relationship to what you see online.

It sounds like you’re consuming people’s commentary on relationships as well — icks, red flags, etc. — as well as couples’ content. When considering these opinions, remember that we’re all different. One person’s dealbreakers could be another person’s complementary traits, or simply not a big deal. If you hadn’t questioned something about your relationship before seeing these commentaries, it’s probably not something to worry about.

That’s not to say that opinions online aren’t valuable to consider, but it’s necessary to think through the information you’re internalizing. How many people do you take relationship advice from in real life? Not that many, huh? That same percentage, if not lower,  probably applies to people on the internet. You have little to no insight into the nuances of their life, character and intentions — so you certainly shouldn’t take their opinions at face value.

If your relationship is working for you and is a source of positive growth and development in your life, that’s what matters. Don’t make conclusions about it based on a few videos or comments on the internet.

<blockquote class="tiktok-embed" cite="https://www.tiktok.com/@julesterpak/video/7173724125209431342" data-video-id="7173724125209431342" style="max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px;" > <section> <a target="_blank" title="@julesterpak" href="https://www.tiktok.com/@julesterpak?refer=embed">@julesterpak</a> Advice column with @washingtonpost <a target="_blank" title="♬ original sound - Jules Terpak" href="https://www.tiktok.com/music/original-sound-7173724169882880810?refer=embed">♬ original sound - Jules Terpak</a> </section> </blockquote> <script async src="https://www.tiktok.com/embed.js"></script>

Ask Jules: I can't escape toxic online culture around relationships

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Ask Jules: I want to make a podcast but worry I'll ruin my career - The Washington Post

<i><b>Hi Jules: </b></i><i>I’m on track to attend a top law school next year and can’t decide if it’s worth risking my professional reputation to make content in my free time. I have always been extremely cautious about my digital footprint, but I also have FOMO due to friends and colleagues always telling me I have the perfect personality for making content. Whenever I start to favor one side of the decision tree, I can’t help but feel that I’m closing too many doors compared to the other. I wouldn’t be making anything inappropriate, likely just a podcast, however I worry that putting myself out there could pollute my professional reputation. Obviously, this is a personal decision, but I just wonder what your opinion is on the matter.</i>

<b>Kai: </b>Living with “what ifs” is an absolute “no” in my book, so it’s time to stop talking and make a plan: What is your “why?” What do you want to share with the world? What can you provide an audience? What do you hope to gain?

Your friends saying you have the perfect personality for making content isn’t a good answer to any of those questions. Fifty-four percent<a href="https://www.vox.com/the-goods/2022/8/31/23328677/kid-influencer-ryans-world-ellie-zeiler"> of Americans between the ages of 13 and 38 would become an internet personality if given the chance</a> and probably see the same potential within themselves. It’s important to have concrete answers because, I promise, creating a podcast will not be the cure for all your FOMO.

Online success isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and law school isn’t something you want to sacrifice in the process. We’ve recently seen well-known <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRQyNQbT/">TikTokers</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txmpOS1JfSM">YouTubers</a> say that they’re moving away from creating full-time to pursue endeavors that provide them with more fulfillment. For some, that seems to be continuing their education and for others that seems to be finding an alternative career path that can still complement their love for sharing online.

You’re not going to know what’s right for <i>you</i> until you try. You’ll continue to wonder for years if you don’t take the leap. As you mentioned, gauge appropriateness and play it safe when it comes to topics and language. You don’t want to share anything that could blatantly affect your career potential when you’re not even sure if sharing online is viable, let alone enjoyable for you yet.

Taking an approach like TikTok creators <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/@jordanismylawyer">jordanismylawyer</a> and <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/@legalbaddie">legalbaddie</a> who have a balance of personal and professional content could be an option. You don’t always need to create some type of alternate persona who’s disconnected from your day-to-day life.

Ultimately, you need to stop looking to others for validation in your pursuits, because while the opinions of your friends as well as future law school colleagues, professors, and potential clients are valuable — they only mean so much. If you put yourself out there online, there will be people who respect what you do, but inevitably there will also be people who criticize you. You need to be so rooted in your “why” that nothing can stop you from moving forward.

You might end up finding that sharing online isn’t your thing, but at least you’ll feel truly confident in that conclusion. Nothing’s worse than looking back and having “what ifs.” Give yourself the opportunity and go for it.

<blockquote class="tiktok-embed" cite="https://www.tiktok.com/@julesterpak/video/7169261251267169579" data-video-id="7169261251267169579" style="max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px;" > <section> <a target="_blank" title="@julesterpak" href="https://www.tiktok.com/@julesterpak?refer=embed">@julesterpak</a> Advice column with @washingtonpost <a target="_blank" title="♬ original sound - Jules Terpak" href="https://www.tiktok.com/music/original-sound-7169261342141008683?refer=embed">♬ original sound - Jules Terpak</a> </section> </blockquote> <script async src="https://www.tiktok.com/embed.js"></script>

Ask Jules: I want to make a podcast but worry I'll ruin my career

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Ask Jules: I want to make a podcast but worry I’ll ruin my career

Ask Jules: I’m online all day and I want to quit - The Washington Post

<i><b>Hi Jules: </b></i><i>I’m on the internet all day long, and I want to quit it. But as someone who doesn’t really have hobbies and is an introvert, it’s my default. Is there a way to change my routine?</i>

<b>Ali: </b>The internet can be quicksand for the mind. You want to set better boundaries around when and why you revert to it. A first, essential step is to gain control over what gets your attention. Start with turning off notifications, as they can often lead you down internet rabbit holes. The only lock screen notifications I have on my phone are for calls. For text messages and emails, I only have badge notifications turned on — meaning I see a number on the app icon, but only when I’m already on my device. This will allow you to detach from the distracting details of a message and to opt in when you’re ready. For any other apps, I advise you to turn off all notifications.

Next, select moments during the day when you want the internet to be completely off-limits. No scrolling through feeds, no watching shows or videos, and no playing games. I find that this approach is more effective than screen-time limits, which do little for me since they’re easy to get around. Use these moments to embrace exploration or solitude — giving your mind space to move freely, as well as tap back into thought and wonder that aren’t so dependent on external sources. This will help you find what you enjoy outside of the internet.

Start by setting boundaries around meals and bathroom breaks. Because of their quick nature, they’re great moments to initially practice restraint. Also, set boundaries around the 30 minutes after you wake up and before you go to sleep, and when you work out or run errands. Look for moments when going online can mess with your rest, focus or ability to be welcoming to others around you. While your phone is good to have on you as a safety device in public, when you’re in private, try keeping it in another room to eliminate the ease of accessing it.

To get offline, you also need to find what compels you enough in the physical world to prompt you to step away from the digital world. To discover this, look for situations that you wouldn’t typically see yourself in. This could be a unique workout class, instructional lessons, workshops, days in the park or a niche concert — if an opportunity or event sparks any bit of curiosity … pursue it. The point of this isn’t to “succeed,” it’s to be exposed to something or someone new. <a href="https://daydreamerspace.substack.com/p/why-being-a-hot-mess-is-good-for">Spontaneity leads to increased flexibility, creativity and fulfillment</a>.

If you think back on the pivotal points of growth in your life, they were most likely accompanied by challenges. It’s important that seeking discomfort becomes a part of your routine. Don’t let the internet keep you stuck.

<blockquote class="tiktok-embed" cite="https://www.tiktok.com/@julesterpak/video/7166741097031486763" data-video-id="7166741097031486763" style="max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px;" > <section> <a target="_blank" title="@julesterpak" href="https://www.tiktok.com/@julesterpak?refer=embed">@julesterpak</a> Advice column with @washingtonpost <a target="_blank" title="♬ original sound - Jules Terpak" href="https://www.tiktok.com/music/original-sound-7166741173946600235?refer=embed">♬ original sound - Jules Terpak</a> </section> </blockquote> <script async src="https://www.tiktok.com/embed.js"></script>

Ask Jules: I’m online all day and I want to quit

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Ask Jules: My favorite social platforms are a mess. Should I leave? - The Washington Post

<i><b>Hi Jules:</b></i><b> </b><i>It’s been a pain navigating the online landscape recently, as even the most familiar platforms seem to have turned on their heads. There are so many questionable changes and it’s exhausting seeing the online spaces I’ve inhabited being turned into something unrecognizable at this point. Instagram isn’t for my friends anymore, </i><a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/interactive/2022/bytedance-tiktok-privacy-china/"><i>TikTok seems to always be on the brink of getting banned</i></a><i>, YouTube doesn’t support my favorite content creators, and Twitter is at a weird precipice that I can’t even wrap my head around. Not to mention the fact that my most private online spheres are somehow turned into a marketing space.</i>

<i>Should I reframe what these platforms are supposed to mean to me as a user in the first place? Is it even worth it to adapt to this online environment that doesn’t seem to support users? Are we able to fight against what these platforms are turning into, or are we past the point of no return? Like a lot of people, my online existence has been a large facet of my life, and I really don’t want to just let it go. But at this point, it’s just painstaking to think about.</i>

Jules Terpak

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